Learning To Drive

 2/28/2018 Close friends and family know a little something about me.  I'm totally night blind.  I have to wear glasses to drive in the dark.  During the light of day, thanks to Lasik surgery, my vision is 20/20. I am confident in what I see before me.  But at night, my large pupils grow ever larger in the dark, desperately seeking light to make sense of surroundings.  My peripheral vision closes in, narrowing my field of vision even more.  As a visual learner, I base a lot of my feelings of security on sight, and react in kind.  I seek validation of truth by what is in my sights.  Oddly (or not), this even translates to my yoga practice, I can only balance when I can hold something clearly in my line of sight.  As soon as I close my eyes and try to balance on one foot, I topple.  And now here I am. In unfamiliar dark territory. Trying desperately to see a road on which to drive.  Unsurprisingly, I'm stronger, more co...

2/23/18 Sometimes life chooses a journey for you. Sometimes that journey is one you wouldn't choose and don't want.  Sure, there will be valuable lessons, down and along the road, but still it's a path you'd just as soon not take.  This morning took me to a favorite place in downtown Fort Worth, the main courthouse.  This building houses a lot of joyful memories for me.  Years ago, I walked in to that lovely old courthouse and became a mom; a journey for which I can never thank the universe enough.  I walked into that old building young and nervous, holding the hand of a precious little girl. I walked out a mom, still holding that sweet little hand, more terrified and exhilarated than ever.  Today with a feeling of dread and sorrow,  I turned my steps slightly to the east of that wonderful building, to the Tarrant County District Clerk's Office, to file for divorce.  The foggy cold morning matched my mood, but then, a slightly larger bu...

2/20/18 I know that every journey begins with a single step.  I've begun my journey of learning to drive, beginning to steer and power my own life with confidence. I'm proud of my tentative first steps.  I've taken control of my personal finances and am working on joint finances, well, jointly.  I've taken a hard look at my professional calendar, filling it with as many paying gigs as possible and also exploring new streams of income in areas where I find passion and joy. I've committed to saving that first down payment on a 200 hour yoga certification; in a discipline in which I believe I will thrive. I'm even looking at a meditation training course. And I've also planned some amazing adventures to feed my gypsy adventurer's soul. But there's that one little overlooked thing...the one that visits in the wee small hours of the morning.  Loneliness.  I know, I have the MOST amazing friends and family in the universe, but,,still,,darkness falls...

Learning to Drive: Driving Tip #1: Take a Joy Ride 2/16/18 Those of you who know me well, know I love to meditate daily.  I have many books with thoughts of the day, etc to meditate, or there's my favorite "walking meditation".  I particularly love the poet Mark Nepo's "The Book of Awakening". I've owned it for years. It's broken down by thoughts that correspond to each day of the year.  No matter how many times I visit this book, it always seems to speak directly to me and what I'm facing.  Today's reading/meditation was about...misery. It opened with, "If peace comes from seeing the whole, then misery stems from a loss of perspective." Wow. Then it delivered the roundhouse kick, "In actuality, misery is a moment of suffering allowed to become everything." I took a deep breath. I did the suggested follow up meditation. And from there, I give you my next entry. From there I'll tell you about my joy ride. It was...

2/11/18 Rule #1: Check Your Mirrors We all know there are rules to driving. A very important one: check your mirrors.  You can't safely and securely navigate what's ahead of you without knowing what's behind and around you. I just came home and sat in the dark of a beautiful home with a wonderful man, decisions made,,,and we both wept.  For promises made and broken, and forgotten, on both sides.  He is a man who made a HUGE mistake,,but a good man nevertheless. This man helped me build this home around me; there isn't a room in this house that this man didn't work on, mostly to realize the dream that I had visualized for it.  Everywhere you turn in this house, there's a built in book case housing one of my dear friends, the ones I have always found between the covers of a book.  I dislike carpet, so this house has custom wood floors.  I love open spaces, so this house has them.  I LOVE MY KITCHEN. Farmhouse sink, work island, granite counter tops...

2/10/2018 Learning to Drive Ok, women everywhere; all shapes, sizes, colors, ages, this is my official confession and plea for mercy. I can’t drive. This isn’t about a car. I have a driver’s license. I have a car. I drive that car every day around the insane freeway network that is DFW, Texas. So, I’ll explain. I’ve just emerged from a depression induced coma that started the Sunday after Thanksgiving; when my husband of almost 20 years told me, he was having an affair, one that he didn’t intend to end.   He said “for the first time in years” he was happy, attracted to someone (ouch), and in love.   He’d fallen out of love with me and wanted a separation. So now, here I am, two months later, crawling out from under the rubble of that bomb blast.   I emerge 20 pounds lighter, (Yes, I had wanted to lose that weight anyway; maybe not in that particular way.) and with no clear direction before me.   I am currently more emotional...