Learning to Drive: Rule #1: Check your mirrors

2/11/18
Rule #1: Check Your Mirrors
We all know there are rules to driving. A very important one: check your mirrors.  You can't safely and securely navigate what's ahead of you without knowing what's behind and around you.

I just came home and sat in the dark of a beautiful home with a wonderful man, decisions made,,,and we both wept.  For promises made and broken, and forgotten, on both sides.  He is a man who made a HUGE mistake,,but a good man nevertheless. This man helped me build this home around me; there isn't a room in this house that this man didn't work on, mostly to realize the dream that I had visualized for it.  Everywhere you turn in this house, there's a built in book case housing one of my dear friends, the ones I have always found between the covers of a book.  I dislike carpet, so this house has custom wood floors.  I love open spaces, so this house has them.  I LOVE MY KITCHEN. Farmhouse sink, work island, granite counter tops, glass fronted cabinets, gas stove....This house has it all.  The yard is wild with the nature I love, bird houses, squirrel feeders, habitats for wild animals of any kind,,,seriously ANY kind.  (I name the possums, skunks, and bobcats here.) This good man gave me all of this. Somewhere along the way, this man and I broke.  I didn't see it; he couldn't say it.

We were both wrong.

Now we have to decide how to go on, separately, eternally linked, and anew.

That is one glimpse into the rearview (and even the side) mirror.
But if you glance again, you see a beautiful strong family. Travels and games and laughs.  Inside jokes. (Parisian chickens and food monkeys come to mind.) Sunday night suppers, book clubs, Harry Potter, and tiny hands being held firmly and lovingly on both sides by a committed team.  Graduations, tears of pride. Hospitals, fear, holding hands and watching her get rolled into surgery.  A gorgeous beaming ray of sunshine, exactly 1 year old, laying claim to my heart and never, ever letting go.  A crowd of people grinning at the Fort Worth courthouse on ADOPTION DAY. 

A collage of gorgeous, terrifying, hysterical, amazing memories.  Made by two completely invested and good people.  Two fallible people. Two people who loved (and will always love each other, in some way) very much.  So now what? How will I proceed? Who will I allow myself to become?

I'm going to learn to drive.  There is no room in my car for hate, or bitterness.  There IS room for  dear mementos, in the form of these treasured memories. There are so many to choose from, so many experiences, adventures, laughs, tears, projects...moments. Rather than stuffing them into boxes to moulder and grow stale,,I think I'll just leave them where they are,,and adjust my mirrors.

I'll move forward. I'll grow stronger. I'll learn a new way to live. I'll seek new adventures.  But I'll always have those mirrors adjusted. Any time I need to check to see if I'm ok,,those mirrors will show me a solid road behind me, and promise me an endless one ahead.

So..forward. Stronger. Kinder. Not angry. Not bitter. A few swerves, and even a fender bender or two in my past experiences. But my mirrors are adjusted, and the path forward looks clear. 💗

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