Learning to Drive: Lesson: Handing over the keys



2/23/18


Sometimes life chooses a journey for you. Sometimes that journey is one you wouldn't choose and don't want.  Sure, there will be valuable lessons, down and along the road, but still it's a path you'd just as soon not take. 

This morning took me to a favorite place in downtown Fort Worth, the main courthouse.  This building houses a lot of joyful memories for me.  Years ago, I walked in to that lovely old courthouse and became a mom; a journey for which I can never thank the universe enough.  I walked into that old building young and nervous, holding the hand of a precious little girl. I walked out a mom, still holding that sweet little hand, more terrified and exhilarated than ever. 

Today with a feeling of dread and sorrow,  I turned my steps slightly to the east of that wonderful building, to the Tarrant County District Clerk's Office, to file for divorce.  The foggy cold morning matched my mood, but then, a slightly larger but still oh so precious hand slipped in to mine and helped me enter the doors, find the correct floor, have the correct number of copies, the correct forms, stand in the correct lines, and basically navigate the emotionally overwhelming errand.  The stunning and strong goddess next to me was the same precious one from adoption day, my girl, my daughter. This is so hard on her as well. I can't know what it must feel like to her; losing a foundation of 20 years. And yet there she was, commandingly fierce, helping me when I was lost.  Shoring me up with her deep well of power.  Pride pierced its light through sorrow's shadow to show me this beautiful woman, holding out her hand to me, and offering to take my keys, to drive for a while. 

The entire point of this blog is to learn to drive; to seek my own independence.  I know this. But at this moment, the strongest thing I could do was to trust this amazing girl; to hand over my keys.  I learned that strength won't always be in the form of my controlling every single detail, handling every single thing on my own with no outside help. I was in no shape to drive today. I had to release my stubborn new grasp on those keys.  I learned that placing my trust in wonderful and more than competent hands around me can also help me to grow.  Being in the passenger seat for a while allowed me to safely feel, honestly feel my emotions without shame or apology.

I am home now, with lists of things to do, achieve, learn, create, conquer. And instead,  I'll take this day, to feel, to be sad, to be angry, to BE.  My dear daughter drove today. She will hand back the keys tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be clear headed again, ready to resume my driving with renewed and increased strength. And never again will I be ashamed of having to ask for help, and when needed, for just a while, to hand over my keys.

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