Learning To Drive

4/12/18 "Your identity is not equivalent to your biography. There is a place where you have never been wounded, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where there is a confidence and tranquility in you, and I think the intention of prayer and spirituality and love is now and again to visit that inner kind of sanctuary." -John O'Donohue Some women have a natural gift of mothering. Others (And by that I mean me.) have to develop our skills and pray our children survive the efforts.  There is a consciousness that must be honed in motherhood; to always be aware of, and care for, our precious cargo. The first time I ever took my sweet daughter Jordyn out in the car alone, she was just over 1 year of age. (If you haven't caught on, I adopted this angel, or rather she adopted me.) I had no idea what I was doing, but I decided to fake it until I made it.  I put the carseat into the back seat of my car, and got her all buckled in, easy peasy!  Feeling ...

3/25/18 Listen....do you hear that? It's a deep chuckling sound in the air. That would be my dad, for two reasons.  One, it's baseball season; better than Christmas morning to my father.  And two, because he is finally vindicated.  Let me explain, I used to tease my father mercilessly about one specific thing.  He would read owner's manuals.  Not just for major purchases either, we'd buy a toaster or a hair dryer and dad would sit and read the owner's manual.  I have NEVER read an owner's manual in my entire life, which is probably why my Prius blares ACDC whenever I turn the car on, even when the stereo was off.... Anyway, this last week has been terrifying, hysterical, emotional; primarily for one consistent reason...GOOGLE.  I mentioned signing up for a 200 hour yoga certification class, and I did so. And I think it's a perfect fit, the teacher is amazing and I've already resonated with so much of their teaching....

3/13/18 I know, I know; there's no such thing as blinker fluid.  It was a joke running through my mind as I took my car in for it's maintenance.  This is something I have rarely done over the years, and was often terrified of the questions posed to me by intimidating and, to my way of thinking, patronizing men.  (I realize this was a projection of my fearful ignorance upon these perfectly polite mechanics.) "Do you know how filthy your cabin filter is?" I would find myself apologizing for the state of my cabin filter,,something I wouldn't recognize to this day; even if you threw the filthy thing at my head. I felt like a walking posterboard announcing, "Go ahead and take advantage of me. Offer me the premium blinker fluid." But I digress. I did take the car in.  My cabin filter passed with flying colors, praise be.  I got the car ready for a road trip.  Not just any road trip.  NEW ORLEANS. That's right, my sister and I took off f...

 2/28/2018 Close friends and family know a little something about me.  I'm totally night blind.  I have to wear glasses to drive in the dark.  During the light of day, thanks to Lasik surgery, my vision is 20/20. I am confident in what I see before me.  But at night, my large pupils grow ever larger in the dark, desperately seeking light to make sense of surroundings.  My peripheral vision closes in, narrowing my field of vision even more.  As a visual learner, I base a lot of my feelings of security on sight, and react in kind.  I seek validation of truth by what is in my sights.  Oddly (or not), this even translates to my yoga practice, I can only balance when I can hold something clearly in my line of sight.  As soon as I close my eyes and try to balance on one foot, I topple.  And now here I am. In unfamiliar dark territory. Trying desperately to see a road on which to drive.  Unsurprisingly, I'm stronger, more co...

2/23/18 Sometimes life chooses a journey for you. Sometimes that journey is one you wouldn't choose and don't want.  Sure, there will be valuable lessons, down and along the road, but still it's a path you'd just as soon not take.  This morning took me to a favorite place in downtown Fort Worth, the main courthouse.  This building houses a lot of joyful memories for me.  Years ago, I walked in to that lovely old courthouse and became a mom; a journey for which I can never thank the universe enough.  I walked into that old building young and nervous, holding the hand of a precious little girl. I walked out a mom, still holding that sweet little hand, more terrified and exhilarated than ever.  Today with a feeling of dread and sorrow,  I turned my steps slightly to the east of that wonderful building, to the Tarrant County District Clerk's Office, to file for divorce.  The foggy cold morning matched my mood, but then, a slightly larger bu...

2/20/18 I know that every journey begins with a single step.  I've begun my journey of learning to drive, beginning to steer and power my own life with confidence. I'm proud of my tentative first steps.  I've taken control of my personal finances and am working on joint finances, well, jointly.  I've taken a hard look at my professional calendar, filling it with as many paying gigs as possible and also exploring new streams of income in areas where I find passion and joy. I've committed to saving that first down payment on a 200 hour yoga certification; in a discipline in which I believe I will thrive. I'm even looking at a meditation training course. And I've also planned some amazing adventures to feed my gypsy adventurer's soul. But there's that one little overlooked thing...the one that visits in the wee small hours of the morning.  Loneliness.  I know, I have the MOST amazing friends and family in the universe, but,,still,,darkness falls...

Learning to Drive: Driving Tip #1: Take a Joy Ride 2/16/18 Those of you who know me well, know I love to meditate daily.  I have many books with thoughts of the day, etc to meditate, or there's my favorite "walking meditation".  I particularly love the poet Mark Nepo's "The Book of Awakening". I've owned it for years. It's broken down by thoughts that correspond to each day of the year.  No matter how many times I visit this book, it always seems to speak directly to me and what I'm facing.  Today's reading/meditation was about...misery. It opened with, "If peace comes from seeing the whole, then misery stems from a loss of perspective." Wow. Then it delivered the roundhouse kick, "In actuality, misery is a moment of suffering allowed to become everything." I took a deep breath. I did the suggested follow up meditation. And from there, I give you my next entry. From there I'll tell you about my joy ride. It was...