Learning to Drive: Memory: Mile Markers

5/21/18

I know I’ve been quiet for a while now. A lot of changes have happened and continue to happen. For starters, I’ve moved into an adorable converted carriage house in east Dallas. It’s just me, a new sofa (delivered tomorrow), the cat (and a couple of outdoor kitties who’ve taken a shine to me), and my future, whatever that holds.

Several years ago, I heard a statement that resonated so strongly with me, it became a mile marker in my life. I used it as a parenting tool as well as a self-help mantra.

“What you focus on expands.”

It seems so simple, and it is. But recently the power of this phrase, and its deeper meaning has come to me on a new level. It’s moved me to my core. It’s another mile marker.

This will come as no surprise to those who know me, but I was a very imagination-driven, romantically-inclined, book-loving child.  Every summer, empty backpack in tow, I’d ride my bike to the library and vow to “read them all”.  (I still hold this vow, and I still get summer book fever, not to be confused with everyday book fever.). Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, Scarlett and Rhett, Jane and Mr. Rochester, Jo and Professor Bhaer taught me romance; Frog and Toad taught me whimsy and gave me the “Shivers”; Pooh taught me wisdom; Huck and Jim taught me friendship; Anna Karenina and all things Dickens taught me tragedy and tears; Shakespeare taught me everything..

And so, growing into a young woman with these and so many other friends, I developed daydreams and fantasies about my own life. I focused on them. I focused on them.

I had visions of myself as a tragic heroine, wearing a Greta Garbo worthy hat, riding a train through Europe, with a depth of sadness and loss in my eyes that kept people at arm’s length even as it drew their gaze and curiosity. 

How delightfully childlike and naïve.

While I don’t necessarily want to put any intention behind that youthful fantasy, (ok maybe the hat and the European train ride,,,and some truly Hitchcock worthy wardrobe choices..), I did have other fantasies.

I would be a writer, living in an adorable loft in a big city, with my adorable cat; drinking wine, independent, alone but not lonely.

I would be a world traveler, having a ton of amazing adventures; drinking wine, independent, alone but not lonely.

I would be a singer, crooning the songs my father taught me to love as well as the beautiful music I’d found to love on my own; drinking wine, independent, alone but not lonely.

I focused on these…they were youthful mile markers, and guess what?

 I do know so much more of life’s joys, sorrows, losses, friendships, love; and it’s reflected in the depth of my eyes. (Not to mention my love of train trips through Europe, and really great hats.) The difference is I know the lifesaving treasure of friendship, not of holding people at arm’s length.

I write, for myself for now, and I live in an adorable loft in a big city with my adorable cat.

I have traveled a lot of this world and don’t plan on stopping those adventures any time soon. (NYC and hiking the Narrows in Zion State Park are on the calendar for starters.)

I am a singer. I sing the songs my father taught me to love as well as my own.

I do drink wine, (Not too much mom, I swear.).

I am learning true independence.

I am living alone. And beginning this summer (aka NOW in terms of Texas weather), I will put my focus on the beauty of this alone-ness, the strength.   I will put my focus there, and it will expand.

This is my new mile marker. I’ve come full circle, but not at all. Since I’ve changed so much, I guess it’s more of an infinity sign.  And as for what I think I know now of life? Well, let’s just say I can’t wait to see what I write about all of this in 20 years…

For right now, I’ve got my bike outside, an empty backpack, a major case of summer book fever, and the library is close by. Watch out, I’m gonna read them all.